By Michael Cunningham Sr. | Mike's Observations
There is something terribly wrong with a society in which a man can help bring a child into this world, walk away from his responsibilities, and leave a mother struggling to do the work of two parents.
And what bothers me even more is how accustomed we've become to seeing it happen.
We've given it a name: deadbeat dads.
But that almost sounds too harmless for the damage some of these men leave behind.
We're not talking about a man who loses his job, falls behind on child support, or struggles through difficult circumstances while doing everything he can to remain part of his children's lives.
We're talking about men who simply decide that fatherhood is somebody else's problem.
Men who can afford their hobbies, their entertainment, their girlfriends, their trucks, and their vacations, but somehow never have enough money for their own children.
Men who can find time for everything in the world except the little boy or girl waiting for Daddy to come home.
And I have a question for those men: What kind of man abandons his own flesh and blood?
The Mother Who Never Gets to Walk Away
Let's talk about the woman left holding everything together.
While Dad is out enjoying his freedom, Mom is trying to figure out how to pay the electric bill, buy groceries, keep shoes on growing feet, and make sure the children have what they need for school.
She works all day, comes home exhausted, prepares supper, washes clothes, helps with homework, and somehow finds enough strength to tuck her children into bed with a smile.
Sometimes she cries after the children are asleep because she doesn't want them to know how frightened she is about tomorrow.
She misses school activities because she cannot afford to miss work. She puts off dental appointments, wears clothes that should have been replaced years ago, and tells the children she's not hungry so there will be enough food to go around.
And where is Dad?
Maybe he's telling his buddies how unfairly he's been treated. Maybe he's blaming the children's mother. Maybe he's pretending the children don't exist.
Meanwhile, she is carrying responsibilities that were never supposed to be hers alone.
A father who deliberately abandons his children doesn't just walk away from them. He leaves somebody else to carry the weight of his selfishness.
And let me say something else. There are plenty of devoted single fathers raising children, too. There are also mothers who abandon their responsibilities. The same standard of accountability applies to everyone.
But today, I'm talking directly to the fathers who walk away.
The Children Pay a Price Money Cannot Measure
Now let's talk about the real victims.
The children.
A child doesn't understand court orders, custody agreements, financial disputes, or why Daddy says he can't come this weekend.
A child understands an empty chair at the school program.
A child understands watching other children run into their fathers' arms after a ballgame.
A child understands a birthday that comes and goes without a telephone call.
And perhaps the saddest question a child can ask is:
"What did I do wrong that made Daddy leave?"
Think about that for a moment.
A grown man makes a selfish decision, and a little child wonders whether he or she was somehow responsible.
That is a burden no child should ever have to carry.
Father absence can create emotional, financial, and developmental challenges. It can leave children wrestling with rejection, insecurity, anger, and questions about their own worth.
Not every child experiences these problems, and many children raised by one loving parent grow into remarkable adults. But that doesn't excuse a parent who refuses to provide love, attention, and support.
A child needs to know that the people who brought them into the world care whether they succeed or fail, laugh or cry, live comfortably or struggle.
And when a father deliberately disappears, the child may spend years trying to understand why.
Child Support Isn't a Donation
Here's something that needs to be said plainly.
Child support is not charity. It is a parent's responsibility.
It isn't a favor to the mother. It isn't a gift to be given when the father happens to feel generous.
It's money intended to help provide for the child he helped create.
Food costs money. Clothes cost money. School supplies cost money. Medical care costs money. Keeping a roof over a child's head costs money.
And those bills don't stop coming because Dad has decided he'd rather spend his paycheck somewhere else.
Some men complain that the mother spends their child-support money on rent, electricity, or groceries.
Well, what exactly do they think children live on?
Fresh air and good intentions?
The house payment keeps a roof over the child's head. The electric bill keeps the lights on. The grocery bill puts food on the table.
That's what raising children looks like.
But there's another side to this.
A check cannot hug a child.
A father can make every child-support payment on time and still be absent where it matters emotionally.
Children need more than money. They need a father who calls, listens, encourages, teaches, and shows up.
Financial support matters. So does being present.
Fatherhood Isn't Something You Do When It's Convenient
I've lived more than eight decades, and one thing I've learned is that being a man has very little to do with how tough you talk, how much money you make, or how impressive you look.
It has everything to do with character.
Character is keeping your word when it costs you something.
Character is accepting responsibility when walking away would be easier.
Character is doing what is right even when nobody is watching.
And fatherhood is one of the greatest tests of character a man will ever face.
Any man can make promises.
A father keeps them.
Any man can say, "I love my children."
A father demonstrates it.
Any man can be present for the fun times.
A father stays when life gets difficult.
If you're man enough to help bring a child into this world, you ought to be man enough to accept the responsibility that comes with it.
Divorce Doesn't Divorce You From Your Children
Let me address another excuse.
"I can't stand their mother."
Well, nobody said you had to.
Your marriage or relationship may have ended. There may be disagreements, hurt feelings, and years of bitterness.
But your child did not cause those problems.
And your child should not have to pay for them.
A failed relationship does not cancel parental responsibility.
You can stop being somebody's husband.
You cannot simply resign from being somebody's father.
And when parents use their children as weapons against one another, both parents need to examine what they're doing.
Children deserve love and stability, not a lifelong battlefield.
Where contact is safe and appropriate, fathers should make every reasonable effort to remain involved. Where abuse or danger is present, protecting the child must come first.
What Does God Say About It?
As a Christian, I cannot discuss fatherhood without considering what Scripture teaches.
First Timothy 5:8 says:
"But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." (KJV)
That's strong language.
The Bible does not describe caring for your family as an optional activity.
It describes it as a serious responsibility.
Ephesians 6:4 also reminds fathers to raise their children with instruction and care rather than provoking them to anger.
And Psalm 127:3 tells us that children are a heritage from the Lord.
Think about that.
God entrusts us with children, and some men treat that responsibility as an inconvenience.
You cannot claim to be a man of faith while deliberately turning your back on the children God entrusted to your care.
Faith ought to be visible in how we treat the people who depend on us.
It's Not Too Late to Become a Father
Now, before somebody accuses me of condemning every father who has made mistakes, let me make something clear.
I believe in redemption.
I believe people can change.
I believe broken relationships can sometimes be repaired.
Maybe you've been absent for five years. Maybe ten. Maybe you've missed birthdays, graduations, and more moments than you care to count.
You cannot recover those lost years.
But you can decide what kind of father you're going to be from this day forward.
Start by accepting responsibility.
Stop blaming everybody else.
Make the phone call if it is safe and appropriate. Apologize without making excuses. Begin providing support. Respect the child's boundaries and the other parent's lawful rights.
And don't expect instant forgiveness.
Trust that took years to destroy may take years to rebuild.
But you can start.
My Final Observation After 82 Years
I've seen men lose fortunes and rebuild them.
I've seen men lose businesses, homes, and nearly everything they owned.
But there is one thing a father can lose that no amount of money can ever buy back.
The childhood of his son or daughter.
Once those years are gone, they're gone forever.
That little boy who waited by the window will eventually stop waiting.
That little girl who kept asking when Daddy was coming home will eventually stop asking.
And one day, the father who was always too busy may discover that his children have learned to live without him.
That's a heartbreaking price for everybody involved.
So here's my challenge to every father reading this.
If you're doing your best, even under difficult circumstances, keep going. Your children need you.
If you've abandoned your responsibilities, stop making excuses.
Step up.
Pay what you owe.
Show up when you say you will.
Be a man your children can depend on.
Because one day, when your life is coming to an end, your children won't be measuring your worth by the truck you drove, the money you made, or the toys you accumulated.
They'll remember whether you were there when they needed you.
A real father doesn't simply give a child life. He accepts the responsibility of helping that child live it.
And that's a lesson this country desperately needs to remember.
Let's Stir the Pot
I want to hear from mothers who have raised children without the support they deserved. I want to hear from fathers who have fought to stay involved. And I especially want to hear from adults who grew up wondering why their father wasn't there.
Which hurts a child more: a father who refuses to pay child support, or a father who pays but never shows up?
And here's an even tougher question:
Should fathers who deliberately refuse to support their children face stronger legal consequences, or do we need better ways to help struggling parents become responsible fathers?
Let's have a serious conversation.
Share your thoughts in the comments at mikesobservations.com.
Michael Cunningham Sr.
82 Years — 82 Lessons
Semper Fi!
